The price of masking is never truly being known. Breadcrumbs: The toll it takes to mask your autistic traits with your friends and family; how you can know them so well and love them so deeply while they only know this distorted version of you, this performance of a "normal human." How them not actually knowing you or understanding that you think differently/process information differently leads to misconceptions and a lack of understanding or context for certain behaviors and traits (I’m stopping myself from spiraling here. I’ll write about it some other time) As I sit down to write this, I am surrounded by tools for self improvement and support. Water with electrolytes because I struggle to stay hydrated (forgetting to eat and drink is a daily occurrence for me, since starting the shot, and if I don't get those basics nailed then I'll struggle - even more than I already do - to make it through the day), a humidifier filled with moon water and a few drops of Clary Sage essential oil, my tarot deck and reference book, and a book called "Unfuck Your Friendships: Using Science to Make and Maintain the Most Important Relationships of Your Life." *I made an agreement with my therapist, and with myself, that I wouldn't read any more self help stuff for the next six months. I was reading multiple books, trying everything I could think of to fix myself as efficiently as possible. The stress was/is killing me. I'm on week nine of a lung infection that just won't stop. My breath is rattling, it hurts to breathe when I lay down, and all the movement based practices I've incorporated into my daily life are no longer available to me. That triggered another depressive episode (honestly not sure how many that is this year, definitely more than 3). My Oura ring is recording hours of stress every day. I am not doing well. I'm picking up this book to read about Grieving an Ended Friendship. It's where I left off and I see that it's what I need to do right now. I lit a candle, inscribed with runes representing protection, strength, abundance, good fortune, new beginnings, creativity, vitality, and good health. I burned some incense and cleansed myself and my space. I made myself a water and thanked it for its healing properties. The little things I was trying to incorporate a year ago are now part of my day to day life; training myself to find things to be grateful for, shifting mindsets, and releasing limiting beliefs - I see the growth and I'm proud of myself. I need that to be enough. I keep expecting the people in my life to tell me I'm doing a good job, to tell me that I'm good. To see that I'm better. But I have to let go of that need for outside validation because it is killing me as well. It has been killing me slowly for decades. I see the causes that lead to it. I can give myself some grace there; I was an undiagnosed autistic girl struggling with untreated OCD, depression, and anxiety. I tried my best. Of course I would want to be seen and validated. Of course I would want to connect. I did the best with the information I had at the time. I know better now and I'm doing better. I'm trying to forgive myself and move forward. Clearly I'm still struggling there. I see that my particular Devil is that need for validation and for being understood. I've got to let it go though, I can't sustain it. It's killing me.